To those who dont get it, to the ones who dont understand. Quit trying, you will never understand. Its my life and i dont get it. Quit trying to loop me into a crowd, keep talking about me behind my back. This is my life. If you love me i feel like you would understand I feel you would be okay with not understanding things. My family and I have been through so much in the past few years. We survived. I have healthy adjusted children. I own a home i rent out and i maintain another. I have two very high need children in this world of mine. I do what I can.  I dont always know what i am doing but i try. I have learned to do my best by educating myself and asking for help. If you truelly do want to help someone, than pkease ask "how can I help"? With all do respect please do not make suggestions at this point i have tried all the options I Know. We have had my child to a dozen doctors it seems and it boils Down to this I am her mother, I make choices based on what i perceive to be best. I pray God leads me through the right doors, and he closes the others very very tight. By nature i am a kind and giving person. Right now I do not feel it. I fight for my marraige as the normal and not so normal struggles loom down and threaten to take over. I need you family, friends, and strangers to give is respect and love. I am so greatful for the family that has stepped in more times than i can count. I am greatful to lookback and see those moments in time you too were scared but you helped. random phone calls from aquntances, food on my step. People who dont mind hanging out with a family that doesnt have a church family to call home. Thank you! For loving us, thank you for the horse lessons, the halloween candy my kid can actually eat. For the kindess and patience as we figure this out. Prayers the lord will bless you in only the ways he can. He sees your heart and he knows your sacrifices.

I read an article this week, a mama with a daughter on the autism spectrum wrote and article about herself instead of her daughter. I was inspired. I thought it was about time I break out the old blogger account and write on of my own.  So, this is my lazy attempt at posting a message.
  It's been almost a years since I have had any time of anxiety, or panic attack. I find it amazing and astonishing. The last attack was at my daughter's birthday day party. I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. MY parents and my husband talked me down and I realized I was just exhausted. I can't believe I have been so calm, and I can't believe I do not feel the anxiety and stress I feel in control for once in my life.
   When I was 28 I had my second daughter Abbigail. When Abbigail was about 18 months we finally got a diagnosis that made since. Abbigail has sensory processing disorder. This disorder can mimic al of disorders and to make things clear, sometimes it doesn't follow any rules at all. Basically this sensory processing disorder takes all the sensory information into the nervous system and body at rates higher and at an faster rate than a neuro typical body would. It was the discover of Abby's diagnosis that would also change my life. When filling out paper work I had that pit in my stomach feeling that I knew sensory processing disorder is what was happening to me. This disorder is what had caused me to feel so left out as a child, a teen and an adult. I found out about my disorder the same time we found out about Abby's. I can't explain to you the joy and excitement I had found when I realized I wasn't alone in these panic attacks, episodes of fear, and anxiety. I also found our getting car sick was from the sensory issues I have. 
    A long time has passed since I realized that my "issues" had a name. I was greatful to find quite a few sites on facebook that were support group for adults as well the ones for children. It wasn't long after I started talking to adults with the disorder I realized I should start a support group for parents who were dealing with that I had been for a long time. I am still amazed to this day at how many parents do not know they have sensory perceptional disorder until they see it in a child. Sometimes the child is their own, and sometimes its a niece or a nephew. In a few situations its been a grand parent who has finally received relief even at an older age.
    My healing has taken place from finding a name to my disorder, learning through the therapist helping my daughter, and realizing it takes a plan to be able to treat my situation. I had to learn to give myself grace, and treat myself with the same respect that I had given to others. Education, support, and grace. I have also received a great teacher in my husband. One day he told me "you have to realize you can't help the way your body feels and reacts to the situation". "The only thing you can do is be able to control how you deal with it. "
 A dear online friend has written a handbook for adults with sensory processing disorder. I can't wait to share it with you when it is finally published. I have been greatful to have been a part of the facebook community as she was writing the book. I know I may be mentioned in the book somewhere, but it's a wonderful and amazing thought to realize that my disorder could in fact have helped others. .